Pete Green
In light of Senator Stephen Conroy being compared to six of the world’s worst mass murderers and despots on the front page of the Daily Telegraph, we’re going to take a look at how the local boy stacks up against the international competition in a number of key statistical and performance indicators. If the Telegraph is right, stats should shed some light on Conroy’s despotic credentials.
Conroy vs. Stalin
Joseph Vissarionovich Stalin gets out to a flyer by clinching the important Better Middle Name (BMN) category over the much more conventional named Stephen Michael Conroy. With somewhere between 3 and 60 million estimated victims under his leadership and a diplomatic record that includes making a formal agreement with Adolph Hitler against what might be considered ‘the forces of good’, it’s also hard to make a case for Conroy getting anywhere near Stalin in any category relating to mass murder or inciting global conflict, which are both crucial areas. Further wins to Stalin in Facial Hair (FH), Extent of Personality Cult (EPC), Populations Starved into Submission or Slaughtered (PSS/S) and Time Spent on Loosing Side of Global Conflict (TSLSGC) put a win for Conroy out of reach. Overall, a convincing win for the man in the moustache.
Conroy : 0 Despots : 1
Conroy vs. Mao
Blamed with starving between 15 million (Chinese government estimate) and 43 million (unofficial estimate) of his own people to death through the “ambitious agriculture reforms” of the Great Leap Forward, Mao starts what turns into a bit of a white wash over the murder-adverse Conroy by clinching both the Mass Deaths (MD) and Most Depressingly Boring Reason for Mass Deaths (MDBRMD) titles. Mao then steam-rolls Conroy in Total Number of Wives (TNW), Enduring International Territorial Disputes Caused (EITDC) and Number of Communist Parties Founded (NCPF) facing little competition, to clinch the win.
Conroy : 0 Despots : 2
Conroy vs. Castro
As the illegitimate son of a wealthy farmer who turned away from his comfortable but emotionally unfulfilling upbringing and found his voice at the University of Havana, Castro storms out of the gate taking Life Story Most Ironically Suited to Become a Feel-Good Hollywood Movie (LSMISBFGHM) and keeps the good times rolling by sweeping Longest Time as Head of International Anti-Imperialist Organisation (LTHIAIO) through his time at the Non-Aligned Movement, Total Mass of Beard (TM-B) and Revolutions Lead (RL). A big win for the Fidel “The Crisis” Castro.
Conroy : 0 Despots : 3
Conroy vs. Kim
Kim Jung-un, as “Supreme Leader of North Korea”, takes the early lead, in what is becoming somewhat of a pattern, by smashing the “Minister for Broadband, Communications and the Digital Economy” in Most Badass Title (MBT). However due to MX’s ‘Naughty vs. Nice Korea’ shtick during the Olympics, Conroy finally gets some points on the board by scoring lowest in Number of Times Mocked in Print Media that is Distributed for Free and Mostly Used as Bedding by Homeless People (NTMPM-DFMUBHP). Despite drawing close, Conroy gets blown away on the Potential to Incite Global Conflict Index (PIGCI) and Disregard for Welfare of Peasants (D-W(P)). A closer-run thing than most but still no cigar for the boy from Cambridgeshire.
Conroy : 0 Despots : 4
Conroy vs. Mugabe
Not a whole lot to talk about here, not much contest on any front, whether its Nations Partially Starved and Then Forced to Watch You Eat an 89 Kilogram Cake on Your Birthday (NPSTFWYE(89kg)CYB) (pictured) or in fact any other category that falls under general murderous or psychopathic dickishness, Mugabe has the senator’s number.
Conroy : 0 Despots : 5
Conroy vs. Ahmadinejad
I’m done. This has got to a stage where the premise being used to highlight the triviality and stupidity of the Daily Telegraph has itself become trivial and stupid. The government oversight proposed in legislation that no one has seen yet is supposedly of an existing independent body which everyone agrees is completely toothless, but which acts according to rules set up by the press themselves. More thorough enforcement of these rules thanks to government oversight would mean that the process would be more efficient and fairer. These rules do not impede free speech, but do prohibit lying and deliberate misrepresentation of the truth for the purposes of inciting racial or any other kind of hatred or fear. They are designed to hold the press to a standard that should be expected of any media outlet in a liberal democracy. The reaction of the News Ltd press in particular but the press generally has nothing to do with genuine concern about free speech and everything to do with concern that the kind of shit-stirring that the Telegraph usually engages in will no longer be allowed because it has neither a basis in fact nor any tangible benefit to the public.
Conroy : 0 Despots : 6
